The Bachelorette: DeMario Gets D-nied (S:13 E:2)

Ashton and Mila

The first eliminations are behind Rachel, so now it’s time to go on some dates. Chris Harrison arrives with a group date card. Jonathan, Fred, Dean, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Lucas get date cards. Their date starts out with a weak football game. Rachel has a surprise for them—Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis! They are there to help Rachel out on her date. The challenge consists of a obstacle course featuring diaper changing on doll babies.

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The challenge gets off to a messy start—literally. Guys need to change dirty diapers on these fake babies then sprint with the babies in tow to vacuum a carpet. Iggy ends up in the vaunted dog house, which isn’t a good thing for him. Next up they have to unclog the drain, drop off a ring, set up a table, get a bouquet of flowers. Unfortunately the “whaboom” clown Lucas wins the competition and Blake can’t help but obsess about him.

Blake Hates Whaboom 

Drinks are flowing at the arcade after husband material challenge. Lucas reads Rachel some lame poem and she actually likes it! On the other hand Fred still is trying to make right on being a bad camp kid. Rachel is getting frustrated she isn’t getting the romantic aspect with any of the guys.

Meanwhile at the house, Peter gets news that he is getting a solo date with Rachel.

Blake is convinced that Lucas is only there to promote the “whaboom” schtick so he goes to Rachel and tattle tales on him to her. Blake goes back and lights up Lucas and confronts him. They have a back and forth and apparently Lucas’ ex is roommates with Blake? What? More drama than anything this season has offered yet. Kenny goes to chat with Rachel and he tells her about his daughter. Rachel comes back to the guys and gives Dean her rose. So he’s on the way to going black and not coming back.

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Doggy Date

Back at the house the dumb and dumber Josiah and DeMario are trying to figure out who is inviting who to their wedding with Rachel. While the clowns are arguing and not realizing they won’t make it to any wedding, Peter gets to jet off with Rachel and her injured dog Copper to Palm Springs. Their date brings them to a dog fest. A date like that would be paradise for me.

At the house another date card arrives and the remaining guys get a group date.

Rachel and Peter talk about their gap teeth. Apparently it “adds character,” but apparently they don’t realize they are the only ones partaking in this trend. Peter opens up to her about seeing a therapist after some of his heartbreaks. Rachel announces she did the same. Good for them.

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Ballin

The second group date promises some basketball action. Overseeing all the bad ball play is NBA Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The tough task for Kareem is to find one guy who can dribble the ball. DeMario claims he is confident like Michael Jordan, Tom Brady and Derek Jeter, and I’m claiming he wouldn’t even know how to be a ballboy to any of those guys.

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There is a big basketball game and the audience is mainly packed with women. Unfortunately no one in attendance is aware these guys can’t play a lick. DeMario claims the “D” is for dunking, defense, okay, he meant to say douchebag, dirtbag and delusional. Now, things get a lot more interesting when the game concludes. Rachel is approached by a woman from the audience that claims to be DeMario’s GIRLFRIEND. Oops, shit just got real. The “D” for douchebag is most definitely applicable now. DeMario is about to get owned.

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DeMario Gets Deflated

Rachel brings out DeMario to meet his girlfriend of seven months. The loser gets caught in a lie and gets caught in a bunch of lies, getting roasted by both women. Game over D! He gets booted and can’t even get his pants on before he gets led to the exit limo. Who is the first one to pick up the DeMario slack? Enter Josiah. He comes to Rachel’s side to comfort her and get the final laugh. Guess one wedding over now. Nah, it’s still on, he booked it after all.

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The men come to Rachel’s aide and she’s willing to give out nine roses, but Josiah is the one who gets it. Damn. More salt thrown at DeMario. Dagger, boy. The episode forgotten boy was Mr. Colombia Bryan who manages to find some time with Rachel before the rose ceremony and get some smooches in and has her cash in on a massage certificate he apparently offered.

Poor Freddy can’t get a fair shot because Chris Harrison interrupts and lets Rachel know that DeMario has arrived at the entrance. Rachel walks out and is going to meet him, so the men follow her lead. To Be Continued. So the first cliffhanger of the season just dropped. Next week a new villain rises as evidenced in the previews and it appears to be Lee.

EPISODE RATING: 9/10

For more Bachelorette news follow me on Twitter @JimRko

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