Bachelor in Paradise: Problems In Jaredise

The Battle For Canada

We pick up with the Ashley I. and Jared saga. She talks to Jared about some glimmer of hope that isn’t even there. Jared wants to leave and thinks it’s unfair. She’s crying, as usual. He flat out tells her he only cares for her as a FRIEND. She asks him if he’s sure. Crazy. Jared runs over to reassure Caila, and Ashley goes to cry her sorrows to Jorge.

The first sight of Josh is him eating a pizza, again. They are really pushing it. So Carly attempts to tell Evan that she likes him, but Rico Suave Evan doesn’t even allow her to finish her sentence before he pulls her into him and plasters his lips onto her. He admits to faking the injury. Carly points out that Daniel has the only rose up for grabs.

Ashley, Sarah, and the twins are vying for it. Sarah brings him cake and REALLY shamelessly pitches herself to him. He reveals that’s the nicest thing that anyone has done for him. The desperate twins are considering kissing Daniel to stick around. He feels amazing about her ass (both of them or one?). Daniel chases down Ashley to talk about Jared. He makes a great point that Jared is an ugly guy then proceeds with some advice, and it actually makes sense! What has the world come to when Daniel is giving advice. He wants her to slut it up. Oh geez. Never mind.

Can’t Leave Jared

Rose ceremony early in the show. Onto the pickings. Grant gives it to Lace. They don’t even show Josh asking Amanda, just a cutaway of her kissing him. Nick gives his to Jenny Boobage. Vinny to Izzy. Evan for Carly. Jared gives his to Caila, as Ashley dies on the inside. Daniel hands his rose to Haley! What? Sarah gets packing for the third time. Ashley stops the car and decides to come back. Upon seeing her arrive, Nick just drops his head and moans. Pretty much nailed that reaction. She comes back and asks the cast if they will allow her to get another chance. What? Isn’t Chris Harrison the guru that decides that? Are the inmates running the asylum and making the rules.

Who Are These Dudes

A new dude arrives. No one knows who Carl is? No one knows him. Emily is losing it. He’s 32 and she’s 23, and she has no problem with accepting his date card. Just as they settle things another guy arrives. Brett the lamp guy from Andi’s season. Vague memorable. Izzy is overwhelmed with her attraction for him. That guy? Lamp guy asks Caila on a date with Jared, she accepts. Uh-ohh.

Did Emily finally find her man? Credit: ABC
Did Emily finally find her man?
Credit: ABC

Evan is starting to excel with commentary when he says, “Brett came in with a lamp and Caila flipped switched the switch on Jared.” Well said Evan, well said. Jared is sour, so he tries to be a stop her, she tells him she’s not going, two seconds later she’s confused about Jared and she’s going. She proceeds to walk over to Brett and tell him she’s not going. What the hell is going on with this chick?! Then she changes her mind like twelve times and I’m over it after the first time. Apparently she decides to go after a hundred indecision. Jared thinks it’s karma that he is getting dumped by a lamp. Harsh.

The double date on the boat. Emily is dancing with a guy whose name she can’t remember. Ashley lays down (attacks) Jared. Emily is riding Seabiscuit, aka Carl. Caila isn’t feeling the booze cruise and she’s ready to run back to Jared. Booze cruise doesn’t last long, they are back. Caila is feeling “pressure” about something. What a drama queen. Jared being the sucker he is, takes her back immediately amid the crap Caila feeds him. Ashley is ready to self-destruct. She starts repeating to herself that Jared doesn’t love her. No shit Sherlock.

bachelor-paradise (1)
The “lamp guy” takeover (ABC)

The lamp guy thinks Daniel is crazy, now that’s crazy. Another guy arrives that no one knows about. Ryan from Kaitlyn’s season. He looks like a camera guy. Jared and Ryan go talking. Jared pitches Ashley I. Of course he does. So Ryan and Ashley chat..about Jared. He makes a much better decision and asks Haley on a date. Daniel is being protective of her. She wants no part of him. Haley’s and Ryan’s date is yet another horseback riding adventure. Haley can’t get enough of this date. Everything is “amazing” and “romantic” for her.

This Is Vinsanity

Grant is falling for Lace. Is that even possible? He plans a massage date for them. They get in the hot tub, Grant tells her that he loves her. He does? Back to another pool, Vinny and Izzy. Randomly she starts having doubts. She tells Lace that Brett looks like her perfect guy, “beautiful”. Bogus. She goes to chat up Brett. Vinny is staring them down like a hawk. The big conversation between Vinny and Izzy begins, she is 75% into him, but admits that Brett made her reconsider things between them. She just did Vinny so dirty. Vinny is showing a pissed off side. Here we go. Welcome to the age of people thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. The constant search for perfection that isn’t feasible. Ok, so I’m delving into my own dating experiences now. Dating sucks, even in paradise.

The happiest couple on the rocks (ABC)

Vinny is crying and crushed over this. He tells the guys about this situation in a all guy group chat. The women are doing the same  sort of gossip, minus Izzy in attendance. This is Carly and Kip or whatever that guys name was last season. Jen Boobage makes her first appearance grabbing a drink. Vinny needs closure, so he goes to confront Izzy for some answers.  TO BE CONTINUED.

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