Bachelor in Paradise: Hurricane Chad

Lets Meet The Leftovers

The best reality show of last summer is back for season 3. A lot of big and combustible names are arriving in paradise for the third season. The epic opening intro from last season is back, just with new faces attached. The opening package starts out with Amanda, followed by Jared, Jubilee, Nick, Evan, The Twins, Vinny, Carly, Daniel, Izzy, Grant, Lace, Sarah, The Chad and Jorge with Chris Harrison. That’s your seasons opening cast folks.

Chris Harrison comes out to introduce the show. Looking well overdressed for a hot beach. Emily and Haley “The Twins” are first introduced. They promise not to date the same guys, they stress how “different” they look–sure. Nick Viall is up next. Does he even need an intro? Apparently Nick has become some workout phenom. Jubilee talks about her “resting bitch face”, she claims to being open and easy going. Evan the erectile dysfunction guru claims to have his mojo back.

Chad! He’s 28? What? Someone is lying about their age. Chad has been hanging out with his dog since The Bachelorette. He loads up his protein powder in the suitcase. That’s all you need to know. Lace. Crazy. She’s been changing herself since the show–allegedly. Daniel and his Canadian man thong. Daniel the unfunny clown can’t even say “The Bachelorette”. He claims to be some eagle, something about herpes. Enough said. Amanda the mom of two. She mentions being devastated and heartbroken after Ben dumped her. Why does she remind me so much of Kristen Bell?

Amanda arrives in paradise. Harrison announces she’s the first one. So basically she’s de-virginizing paradise. Nick, a.k.a “the other guy” is up next. Amanda is blinded already, she claims he’s a ten. A ten of what? Jubilee is up next. Evan interrupts the party. Jubilee only was aware of him as the penis guy. Amanda is further blinded by saying that he looks a lot better in person with his pretty eyes. There is a screaming barber named Vinny arriving. Carly arrives and the first word of her mouth is already complaining about having the worst thing in the world happen to her last season. Give me a break. Grant comes out next. Daniel arrives and is unimpressed by the girls. Nothing he’d touch. Evan is trying to warn everyone about the excitement of Chad’s arrival.

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The unfunny Canadian Daniel telling some bogus stories Credit: ABC

Pelicans are overrunning the place until Sarah arrives in paradise–again. Daniel is still unimpressed with the bruised fruit. Suddenly the twins get Daniel’s attention. They are interested in Daniel. Unreal. Izzy arrives. Whose Izzy? Sarah isn’t aware of her either. She’s interested in Daniel. He attempts to guess her name after she tells him she’s 25. Earth to Daniel. Things are about to get crazy as Lace comes out. Grant feels sorry for anyone getting in a relationship with her.

Chadnado

Everyone jumps around and runs into the water. Jared comes out of nowhere. They all rush to him as if a celebrity had arrived. Sarah takes Jared to the side as soon as he’s done hugging everyone. Even continues to talk about Chad. He definitely came to paradise for Chad. A parrot announces danger, bushes are rustling, glasses are shaking, it must be…Chadzilla! He greets Harrison, tells him that he doesn’t need fame, just wants a girl. Chadzilla runs over to embrace Daniel. Izzy is excited. Grant is mesmerized with Chad’s mysteriousness. Lace feels an immediate connection. Chad tries to befriend Evan. Chadzilla is super impressed with Daniel’s smooth hair. Chad claims that all he needs is him, Daniel, alcohol and girls. Yup, that’s all that’s needed for a Chadnado.

Lacing It Up

Harrison comes out to announce the rules. Both the twins get to stay if one receives a rose. More Jade and Tanner talk. Let it go already. Chadzilla attempts to open the fridge, he can’t. Eventually he finds some meat inside it. One of the twins proclaims that Jared is the hottest girl in paradise. So it begins again. Nick delivers a first date card to Jubilee. She runs over to ask Jared out. He accepts. Emily is steaming. Grant attempts to flirt with Lace, she’s impressed with his eyelashes. Lace prefers to see the soft side of Chadzilla. This is a storm that’s about to erupt. They manage to interrupt the solo pool that Vinny is hitting up Izzy on. Chad and Lace waste no time making out. The house is peeking at Chad and Lace as they kiss and argue–literally. Chad is impressed that Lace can give it back to him. Daniel is just as impressed at their budding romance.

Un-Laced

Jubilee and Jared go on a date littered with pinata’s. They talk about a bunch of nerd things. Jared is impressed with her depth. About nerd movies? A clown jumps out. Not Jared, but an actual clown. Clown thinks that Jared is losing his hair. That’s some important observation. Meanwhile, Izzy is screaming to be kissed by Vinny. He finally puts the move on her in the water. Nick is becoming the go-to entertaining expert commentator. Oh my, how things have changed. Chad and Lace have hit a major speed bump, it looks like their relationship is coming to an abrupt crash. Awkward silence ensues as Chad sits next to an upset Lace. Nick feels that the man above mailed it in when he delivered Chad to this world.

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Jubilee and Jared go on an awkward date surrounded by pinata’s Credit: ABC

Volcano Chad Erupts

Lace is over Chad. He’s the meanest person in her mind. Daniel walks up to Chad and riles him up a bit. Little Sarah goes at Chadzilla. Brave girl. He calls her a bunch of inappropriate names. In unison everyone walks away from Chad. Evan attempts to stop Chad. Are you crazy? Daniel attempts to reason with the piss drunk Chadzilla. Daniel makes a great analogy by saying that Chad has a better chance of making out with a turtle than any girl. Chad slap-swings at Daniel. Nick claims that he has two people that he doesn’t have respect for–Chad and…tells us who the other is! Best part comes around when a drunken Chad collapses and starts snoring like a beast while a crab is trapped under his head. Save that crab!

After the break, Chad wakes up in a bed. Who got him into a bed?  He wakes up pantless. Holly crap! Apparently Chad went number two in his pants. Harrison pops-out to get the scoop on the Chad debacle. Harrison tells Chad that he turned paradise into hell, hence he’s kicking out Chadzilla. Well that was short lived. Chadzilla doesn’t believe Harrison. As he walks out he throws the microphone, screams about crabs, then lashes out at Harrison for making him look bad. Yup, he’s legit crazy. To Be Continued.

For more Bachelor news follow me on Twitter @JimRko

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