The Bachelorette: Mighty Mouse vs Chadzilla


Angergasmic Yoga

Part 1 of 2 in Week 3 starts out in destructive fashion–food wise that is. Chad’s meat plates are scattered all over the house. I’m shocked that he left uneaten meat on those plates! Some fascinating facts emerge, apparently Chad is a heck of a math wiz with all the calorie counting he does. Chris Harrison breaks up the party with a date rundown for the week. James the country singer announces that Chase will be going on a one-on-one date. Chad is shocked that he didn’t get the date. He does think everyone is a place holder for him since him and JoJo are “killing it together”. Whatever you say Chad.

Chase and JoJo are getting a hot yoga treatment. The best question comes from the yoga instructor who asks them how long have they been “intimate”. Errr..oops. Chase will still be chasing that tail for a while. The instructor demonstrates the pelvic thrusts while make sure that she shouts out “hey” while doing them. Hey, hey. Also the all important “angergasm”. I don’t even know how to describe it without saying that it involves a lot of screaming. This would have been a perfect date for Chad–damn. No “angergasm” can stay on par with Chad and the unfunny comedian’s workout regiment. Talk about grunt work.

JoJo and Chase are forced to awkwardly hold each other in some sex position. Her legs wrapped around him. Faces touching. Took a while for Chase to man up and go for the kiss. At dinner, JoJo stresses how she felt protected by Chase during the awkward yoga. Protected? Was he saving her from a tiger or a hurricane? He had the chick wrapped around him in a sex position doing YOGA! That lands him a date rose. The gift doesn’t end there. She escorts him a few feet away to a personal concert. Of course. This is about the right week to bring on a personal concert.

Sex Show

Ali comes down with a date card for the group date. Jordan, Grant, Wells, James, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad are going on a date. Chad doesn’t want to go on a group with all those guys. Jordan and Chad start bickering. Chad gives Evan a death stare. Chad goes at Jordan calling him a “twenty-seven-year-old failed football player”. Alex and Chad get into it. Chad wants to “go” at Alex. Testosterone on high alert.

This is the Chad show Credit: ABC
This is the Chad show
Credit: ABC

Atwater Village Theater is the date location. Some lady is choking her way on stage. “Orgasm” is what she tried to relay. So the date will consist of sex talk stories. Another day in the office for Evan. No erectile dysfunction talk Evan, please. Let the disasters ensue. Chad claims that JoJo hasn’t earned his sex story. Maybe because there is no story. Mighty Evan decides he will work his story around Chad. Alex is pumped about that, so being the promoter that he is, he announces that 275 pounds of chiseled Chad will go against the smallest guy in the house, Evan. The fight of the century. Well Alex, if by century you mean 20 seconds. What kinda crooked fight promoter are you if you are hyping these two? JoJo can’t stop talking about sex. Disaster after disaster story. Time for Evan to come through. Alex is salivating at every word that Evan spews out. Chad rips Evan’s head–shirt. Chad invites JoJo on stage for his bit attempts to kiss her, she denies him, Alex marvels.

Sex for laughs Credit: ABC
Sex for laughs
Credit: ABC

Baby Rodgers gets some time with JoJo. He talks about how he’s only told one girl he loves her. How he put things ahead of his past relationship. Need to say no more–she’s sold. Chad being chat claims to be a pretty “nice and cool guy”. On what planet? Planet Chad maybe? I love this guy. He’s so delusional. It’s television gold. In what might be one of the all-time classic reality television moments, Chad accuses Evan of bullying him. Classic. This clip needs to go down in Bachelor history. Immediately right after the couch clears out. Every dude runs-off like a wildfire just blazed their asses.

Might Mouse against Godzilla Credit: ABC
Might Mouse against Godzilla
Credit: ABC

Classic James

A new date card arrives. Luke promises to cry if he doesn’t get a date card. James T. gets the date card. Looks like Luke will be doing a lot of crying tonight. Back to Chad. Apparently Grant looks like some character from Spongebob, according to Chad. I need to check that show out now. Chad admits to JoJo that he’s a bully. She tells him that she sees a sweet side of him. Please remove the rose colored glasses from JoJo. I’m under the impression Chad has multiple personalities. He’s talking to himself–again. Evan tells JoJo that he will leave if Chad stays. It was nice having you around Evan–he gone. JoJo picks up a rose and asks Evan aside. Swan song for Evan. Side observation–Baby Rodgers has a nice hairdo. JoJo offers Evan a rose. What? Evan’s kids will be proud. When Evan walks back with a rose Chad’s face looks like it was steamrolled by a tank.

JoJo and James go classic Credit: ABC
JoJo and James go classic
Credit: ABC

Derek is afraid for his life, having to share a room with Chad. As Chad is sleeping, a security guard stands over him. Is he the Hulk or something? What is all the paranoia all about. Old school date with an old school guy. James and JoJo get to swing dance. JoJo wants to be like the old lady who will be teaching them dancing. Are you sure you want to be just like her? I mean she is a heck of a better dancer than JoJo, though. Back to Chad TV. Security is circling Chad, as he’s eating more. Did they hire security to protect Chad from the guys or the food? The food is in much more danger than the guys. JoJo’s big surprise is a street dance with James. Well he must be thrilled deep down inside. At least he’s an outgoing fella.

Chad Meltdown

The unfunny comedian tries to bring Chad back to earth. He wants him to be less Hitler or Trump and be more Mussolini or George W. Bush. Leave it to the unfunny Canadian comedian to come up with some spot on historical comparisons for Chad. Chad isn’t paying much attention as he stuffs more lettuce in his mouth than my pet rabbit has in a lifetime. James is still trying to figure out why he is on a date with JoJo. I get it, a common man like you doesn’t get these chances with women like her, but just pretend it’s real. You can do it James. He tells her that he was a “little” made fun of. Can’t say I don’t see it, but he’s risen past it, credit to him. He gets a rose. Hopefully it’s not a pity one. Has he been friend zoned by her? James brings out the guitar to sing her a song, again.

Pink shirt Harrison arrives to interrupt a grunting Chad workout, all day pool party instead of cocktail. Chad makes a huge confession by stating that he doesn’t need to see JoJo in a dress, since he knows what she looks like through the dress–x-ray vision anyone? Chad is almost Superman. Evan runs out after Harrison to tattle tale on Chad. Harrison takes Chad aside. Detention? Chad is oblivious to the fact that he did anything wrong. The end. More Chad drama tomorrow night.

For more Bachelorette news follow me on Twitter @JimRko

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