One of the all-time most contrived and annoying phrases “Let’s Do The Damn Thing”, got plenty of run on the premiere episode of Becca Kufrin’s season as The Bachelorette. Do not make this a drinking game, or else you’ll be drunk quickly.

What else did we take away from the wackiest episode of the season:

Jordan:

This guy earned legendary status from day one. A Ken doll male model with a set of rules that would make a gentleman envious. Jordan is the epitome of entitled snob perfectionist, but he’s just so epic in every moment he gets screen time. I wanna bottle up everything Jordan says and send it to the Bachelor Hall of Fame museum. Wait, they don’t have one? Well, Jordan is the reason to get one.

Becca:

Still boring. Still doing the damn thing. Still pretending to be fun and spewing lines from earpiece the producers are feeding her through. I still wish Arie stayed with her so we could have had a more exciting Bachelorette. One thing Becca did establish is that she will NOT date anyone from Minnesota. Jake, your biggest mistake was your place of residence.

She Has a Type:

There is no denying that Becca loves her some athletes. Colton (football player), Clay (football), Christon (basketball) and Connor (baseball). All these men have one thing in common (besides being on this season of the show), they are failed/retired athletes that never played past their late 20’s. Short careers, little skills. Clay played for more teams then there were Bachelorette season’s. Chances are she will pick an athlete at the end.

The Rest:

• Kamil has an accent (Polish), attitude and no job, unless you’re counting “social media participant” as a career choice. Way to represent Poland (insert eye roll emoji).
• Blake is definitely an animal hoarder. First it’s the horse, now it’s an ox. Large mammals, steer clear of Blake or he will abduct you and bring you on a reality TV show.
• Chris is the new Iggy, a.k.a grown man that tattle tales.
• Garrett has a built in career as one of those chicken suit (not to be confused with soup) characters outside of a Chick-fill-A or El Pollo Loco. Surprisingly he received a first impression rose.
• Jean Blanc is a “Colognoisseur”….whatever the hell that means?
• Joe is a produce guy. Big watermelon guy. Apparently he made a career of selling watermelons? He’s from Chicago, but I couldn’t be any less proud of him for it. Way to represent the city. He talks more like a New Yorker, but they certainly want no part of him either.
• Mike is a sports analyst. Cool job, but not a cool looking guy by any means. That man bun is so 90’s.
• Leo is basically Aquaman, minus all the super powers and charisma. He’s Jason Mamoa super lite.

These are the quality men of Becca’s season. Don’t hold your breath on any of them impressing you.

Predictions:

Yes, I need to make predictions on which clowns will get to the end. Here is the top four hometown predictions first.

Final Four:

Connor: Why not? He’s pretty cool and collected. Former minor league baseball player.

Willis: Watchu talkin’ bout Willis? Based on the season preview clips, he’s going to get some play with Becca.

Blake: Because he’s cool with large animals.

Colton: He gave up football to help those with cystic fibrosis. Come on, he’s too sweet, right?

Final Two:

 

The final two will be sweet man Colton and animal whisperer Blake. As with Becca on her season, Blake feels safe. Colton is that instant connection kinda guy. I picked Blake on my Accept This Rose article (by the way, I write for them also now), but in typical Arie fashion I’m changing my mind and going with Colton. So there. I didn’t get married to my previous selection so I can dump it and pick Colton. Realistically I’m probably way off as always and it’s gonna be someone like Jason or the cologne lover who make it to the final.

Winner: Colton

For more, you can check out my work on Accept This Rose and look out for the Bachelor Universe Podcast on iTunes and Stitcher.