The Bachelor (Ep. 3): Teary Goodbye’s & Kiss-Off Surprise

Downhill Mess

It’s part one of the two part finale. Yup, a finale after one week of episodes. Why not make this entire thing a long two night event? This is crazy.

Narrator Luke explains to us who is with who. It’s kinda needed actually.

The competition gets started early. Chris Harrison announces they will be participating in downhill skiing. Talk about upcoming casualties. This will get ugly—fast.

The women are first to fail. Clare starts things out with a decent time of 43 seconds. Ashley I. is the disaster that you can expect and doesn’t even want to get out of the starting gate. Bibiana is concerned about her vagina muscles. The remaining women crash and burn. Leave it to Lesley to confidently complete the challenge in the fastest time, earning a date card.

The guys are better, except for Josiah who crashes into fences. It comes down to Luke whose score can only be bested by Dean. Looks like being raised by the wizard father in Colorado finally worked in his favor.

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Lesley and Dean have a spare date card (they both won individually), so they give the spare one to the desperate Ashley I.

Ashley Pottery Try

Things get off to a bad start at their dinner, when the topic of Ashley’s virginity comes up. Kevin believes it’s one of the most important aspects of a relationship. He somehow gets the reassurance from her that she’s just waiting to lose it with the right guy. This is Kevin’s shot.

Next they go to a pottery class and reenact a scene from Ghost. Not quite Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore, it’s freaking Ashley I. after all.

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Clare Hot Tubing

Clare joins Christian in the hot tub to discuss some big cultural rules. According to Christian you need to have a feeling in your stomach (gut) to give you the go-ahead. The stomach speaks to Christian.

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Meanwhile, gullible Lesley is buying all the nonsense Dean is spewing about NOT being a player. Sure Dean, and I’m not writing this article.

Going Home

Poor Aussie Tiffany got the memo that she’s gonna be single throughout Winter Games, so she decided to make the journey back home.

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All this makes Ben think that he is not ready to meet anyone and find love. Ashley I. does the summary of Ben’s status and thought process. What’s the best way to deal with heartbreak? A chat with Chris Harrison heals wounds. Ben is tearful and emotional over the loss of Lauren (she’s alive).

The sappiness is stretched out when Ben informs the cast that he’s heading home. He cracks again and can’t hold back tears, while every woman (and some guys) are dripping tears. Yuki, groans and moans some infant blabber. Ben walks out to some heartfelt country music. The house is in depression. It’s as if he’s headed to the battle fields.

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The dominoes are falling, as Michael (whoever he is) decides that he has to go. He wore out his welcome. Bibiana claims that Michael leaving is bad for everyone. Yeah, by everyone you mean the one person who knows he’s an actual cast member.

Yuki is the lone single person remaining, so the best conversation of the show follows as Harrison attempts to say a few words in Japanese and tell her that she has a flight to Japan waiting on her ASAP.

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Bibiana continues her mourning, be mentioning how shocking it is to loose three people. Memo to Bibi, they are ALIVE and well.

Kissing Competition

Now that they cleared the extras, it’s time for a kissing competition. What’s the point of this? While others are “practicing” their kissing, Clare and Christian can’t connect, so they decide their time is up. They leave in the blistering snow blower manufactured cold. Once again Clare can’t find love and she has no one to blame but herself.

The kissing contest judges arrive. Familiar faces: JoJo Fletcher, Rachel Lindsay and current Bachelor Arie.

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Dean and Lesley are first with some ball room samba attempt that leads to him flipper her up as she wraps her legs around his head and they kiss. Yeah, there is a lot going on there.

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Courtney and Lilly had a lipstick smearing kiss.

Bibiana and Jordan didn’t do anything special.

Kevin and Ashley I. seemed pretty hot and heavy with another.

Ally had to leave and puke. Josiah waited, then they had an underwhelming kiss.

Finally, Luke stood like a tree trunk and stared at JoJo while Stassia tried kissing him gently.

The tallies are in. One couple must go. Best kiss-off of the night goes to Kevin and Ashley I. Who would have thought.

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Luke and Stassi were up next to be voted on to stay.

Courtney and Lily get to stay also.

Who would have thought Bibiana and Jordan would have made it.

Final rose of the night is between the group of Dean and Lesley and Ally and Josiah.

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The power couple of Lesley and Dean get the final roses.

Ally and Josiah bid farewell. Anti-climactic breakup.

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EPISODE RATING: 6/10

BACH TALK:

Here are the the take aways from the episode:

  • A few expected eliminations. Ben Higgins, Michael and Yuki are sent packing. They had no place there. Kinda just hanging out.
  • Surprised how Ashley I. and Kevin have hit it off. This may be 4th time the charm for her.
  • Are Luke and Stassia for real? Looks like it. Will they be able to keep it post show.
  • Interesting judges. Arie, Rachel and JoJo. Rachel still grumpy. JoJo bubbly. Arie being Arie. None of the judges were needed.
  • Lesley and Dean keeping it strong. They have been most legitimate couple. I can’t believe I’m saying the words Dean and legitimate.

For more on The Bachelor, check out my website The Bachelor Universe and follow me on Twitter @TheJimAlexander

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